Even though I awoke not feeling that well this morning I woke with a great sense of peace. I knew that this “sickness” was an opportunity to go within and commune with the energy of the Goddess. I feel her more strongly today than I have in a while. I sense it is because of the stillness that the Winter Solstice evokes in me. This is what I wrote in my journal this morning:
I feel the quiet whisper of the Goddess Earth this day. Even though the cold would have us think that the Earth is asleep I feel her as very much “awake.” In the quietness I can hear her voice on the wind This voice evokes an ancient wisdom. She beckons me forth back into the womb. The womb is a place of rest and reflection for me. I imagine it as a deep cavernous space. There is a fire here. In the flames of this fire I see my future self burning brightly. This future self speaks to me of love and security. She invites me to relax as all will be well. I recognize how I almost always am in anxiety, waiting for the hammer to drop. That is my conditioning, the training I received from a very young age, that the world is an unsafe place. Always be on guard as you don’t know what or when? This “sickness” I am experiencing has given me permission to stop running from the “hammer”. When I stop running I can see how truly safe I am. Dwelling by the fire in the womb of the Goddess I experience the comfort of the Divine Mother. It is only me that leaves the warmth of her hearth. She is continually inviting me back home to her womb.
I had wanted to go to a ritual this weekend but I didn’t make it. The journalling connected me to the energy of the Divine in way that I had hoped to in ritual. I am grateful for this opportunity for reflection and this “illness” that has quieted my body and my mind.
Winter Solstice 2014
I am on a beach on the bank of the Sacred River. I have come here this Dark Moon to heal my relationship with money. I have spent lifetimes in poverty and I am now ready to claim my divine inheritance. There are wounds within my psyche that need to be cleansed before I can open up to receive the abundance that is waiting for me. I have come to ask the River God for assistance in this ritual. He is my lover of old and my consort during these times of sacred healing.
The night is still with only the stars lighting my way. I hear the river gently lapping onto the sand. I build a fire to begin the ritual. I call on the power of the Dark Moon to create my sacred circle of protection for the ritual to be enclosed in. I throw sweet-smelling herbs onto the fire and then begin beating my drum. The beat of the drum echoes the heart beat of the Great Mother. This sound reverberates deep into the earth Herself. The pulse is felt in the rivers current calling, calling to my lover.
I see Him emerge from the sacred waters and walk towards my circle of protection. I beckon him towards me with the sound of my drum. He stops just outside my circle waiting for me to welcome him in. When I do he kneels beside me and asks me why I have called to him this night. I tell him my intention to heal my wounds around receiving abundance and he smiles willing to help me in any way he can.
He takes my hands and gently presses kisses into each one. He anoints each palm with a healing oil and then moves to my feet and does the same. I move onto my stomach and he anoints each chakra along my spine with the oil. I move onto my back and he anoints each chakra on my front body as well. He tells me this will open my energy centers so that I can begin to open to the Abundance of the Universe.
He kisses me then, slowly at first and then with passionate desire. He looks into my eyes and tells me I must experience ecstasy this night or the ritual will not be complete. I relax more and more as my body begins to awaken to its own passions. I understand that my limitations around abundance correspond with my ability to experience and receive pleasure in all areas of my life. This act of love is a mirror for my life.
My senses become more and more heightened as I build towards my ecstasy. He looks into my eyes again and asks me who I am as he plunges his body deep inside of mine. I cry out,“I Am The Goddess and I claim what is rightfully mine!” I feel his body shudder as he releases the seeds of Abundance deep inside my womb. In this moment I know that I no longer have to look outside of myself for my prosperity. I have everything I need within my own being. All the seeds are planted there for me to nurture and grow. They are waiting for me to birth them when I am ready.
My lover, once again, kisses the palms of my hands and gently kisses my lips good-bye. I thank him for this gift of abundance and healing. He walks back into the river and melts away into the sacred waters. I begin playing my drum once again in thanksgiving and gratitude. I sing my song of abundance until night gently fades into day.
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Calling back the lost pieces of Self
The pieces that childhood ripped away.
The pieces that society tore asunder.
The pieces of Self that anything less than love trampled under despairs feet.
These parts of Self come back into my being.
Feeling contained in the bounty that is Me.
Crying out in ecstasy and joy like a lover.
I have come home.
By Della McGee
You found me, Dark Moon Lady
As I lay huddled in a heap of pain and sorrow, my cries echoing into the vastness of the Divine
You found me
I reached for the Light but that was only an illusion
I ran and ran and ran from your Darkness, my Darkness
but you found me
“Stop running!” you cried
I breathed and was still and in that stillness
I saw the Darkness for what is was
the path to the Light
I found me, Dark Moon Lady
In your embrace
I’ve started a Moon Journal to reflect on my process as my body shifts into menopause. The process really started full force at the beginning of this year but I don’t believe I was ready to write about it until now. My cycle has been “off” since then and I have struggled with all the signs and symptoms that go along with the changes of my menstrual season.
I decided to create a journal to record my journey along the way. I thought it may help me be in a place of acceptance instead of the battle I’ve engaged in since this all began.
I knew the process had begun when I started having hot flashes back in January. They lasted continually for about 6 weeks and then they disappeared. My period stopped for 74 days before I bled again. Then within two weeks my moon came back with a vengeance seeming to make up for all that it had previously missed. Once again I am waiting for my blood to flow at day 36. My body is bloated and heavy with the water I am retaining. This is a new experience for me as I have never retained water on this level before.
This is my journal. On the inside of the front cover is the image at the top of this post. She is entitled Embrace The Moon. The moon is constantly changing and a woman’s body is reflective of the moon. That is how I feel about the process I am undergoing. I need to embrace the changes going on in me otherwise this will be a miserable experience. I picked up a blank artist’s book at Michael’s and some stickers to make it pretty. I thought if I created something beautiful to write in I would more likely do so. I want to get some pretty pen’s to use in it as well.
My intention with this blog is to share my experience but to also share what is supportive of that experience. One of the best books I have found on this topic is the New Menopausal Years by Susun S. Weed. I have combed through her pages over and over in the past few months. One of her main messages is that this is a time of initiation. I am birthing myself into a new Woman. I am looking forward to meeting her (me) along the way.
Kundalini Yoga: Releasing Premenstrual Tension & Balancing Sexual Energy
Walking out in Nature