It all started with a dream. I was protecting a girlfriend who was being harassed by some guy. For some reason this guy was naked. Next thing I know I’m twisting this guy’s penis until it snaps. In the dream I’m appalled by what I’ve done but a little proud that I stuck up for my friend. I called a friend of mine the next morning who is really great at dream interpretation. She said that I am angry with the masculine part of self. . . You don’t say?
I few days earlier I had re-injured my lower back holding a yoga pose too long. I was attempting to build up my core strength to help my lower back become stronger. I actually created the exact opposite of what I intended by not listening to the female (intuitive) part of myself.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been in battle with those two parts of self. The feminine part of me is very supportive and gentle. The masculine is constantly trying to push me further and further faster and faster. Even though I am very intuitive I often listen to that part of myself which is pushy and impatient and very hard on me.
I was teaching a yoga class the other day when I asked the students what they wanted to focus their practice on. Most of the group had lower back and hip issues. I was telling them that the lower back relates to feeling supported in life, whether that be emotional, financial, environmental, and so on. After class one of those students came up to me and asked could that also mean that they were not supporting themselves? Indeed!
I have struggled with why I have continued back issues when i do feel supported in so many ways. This morning I recalled that students question. I have not been emotionally supporting myself by being gentle with me. I have been very hard on myself all my life. I have a drive to be better than I am. Now that is not a bad quality to have. Yet at the same time mine has been very out of balance. I have used that quality to beat myself up, tell myself I’m not good enough, and thus, have continued back problems.
I am so ready to be gentle with myself. I am ready to hear the soft voice of the feminine. My masculine voice is a very loud, belligerent bully, very much like my father. But that is a story for another day . . .
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