Yesterday, I had a melt down. I started the day in grief again. The hardest thing for me to accept are those things “I seem” to have no control over. The grief has washed over me since my brother passed. There is no rhyme or reason to it, it’s just there all of a sudden. I have moments of peace before it washes over me again. I was working on my computer yesterday as I was trying to complete a task I had a deadline on. It started to act up as they can do when they are a dinosaur like mine is. I got angry. Not just a little angry. I started to bang on my computer. Any rational person knows that is not how you get your computer to work. I wasn’t rational. I started to yell and scream at the top of my lungs for help. “I NEED HELP!” I couldn’t bear the grief and the anger any longer.
I feel as if a Pandora’s box opened up and I can’t get all the icky things it’s been containing for so long back inside it. The lid refuses to close again. That’s the good news. My brother’s death has cracked me wide open. All those things I have locked away and just “moved” on from are coming out to heal. It is so not pretty. Healing rarely ever is.
And then help came . . .
I woke up this morning very hopeful. I know what I can do now. I am going to look the rage I’ve had inside me since birth right in the eye and deal with it once and for all. Troll has been under the bridge for a very long time. She has been waiting for chance to show herself. I am so grateful for yoga, especially Kundalini Yoga. In Kundalini Yoga what ever ails you mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally there is a kriya for. Today I started practicing my old friend Nahbi Kriya again. I’m following that with a meditation to release anger from the body. I am the kind of person that needs to have a plan and then take action on that plan. There are some days when yoga is the only next right thing I know how to do. . .
God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change
Courage to Change the things I can.
And the Wisdom to know the difference.